How to Approach a Loved One or Colleague About Their Abusive Behaviour
It can be incredibly difficult to speak to someone you care about or work with about their behaviour, especially if you suspect it may be harmful or abusive. But raising the issue, even gently, could help them reflect, change course, or seek support and help. Silence, on the other hand, can allow abuse to continue unchecked.
This guide offers safe, respectful strategies for approaching someone whose behaviour concerns you without escalating the situation or putting others at risk.
Can you really tell someone they’re being abusive?
Yes, but it must be done carefully. Many people do not see themselves as abusive. They may feel misunderstood, defensive or ashamed. That’s why the way you approach the conversation matters.
The goal isn’t to accuse or attack. It’s to open a door for reflection, raise awareness, and let them know their behaviour is having an impact.
When is it appropriate to speak up?
- If you’ve witnessed harmful or controlling behaviour directly
- If someone has confided in you about mistreatment
- If the behaviour is affecting others’ wellbeing (at home, at work, or socially)
- If you’re concerned they may not realise the impact of their actions
In cases where violence is present or someone is in immediate danger, it’s best to prioritise safety and contact support services rather than confronting the person directly.
How to prepare for the conversation
Before you say anything:
- Be clear about what you’ve seen and why it concerns you
- Separate the person from their behaviour, focus on the impact, not their character
- Choose a private, neutral space where you won’t be interrupted
- Be prepared for denial, defensiveness, or anger
- Know when to walk away if the conversation becomes unsafe
This is about planting a seed and encouraging change and seek support.
How to start the conversation
Start calmly. You might say:
- “There’s something I’ve noticed that I’m really struggling with, and I care enough to bring it up.”
- “I want to talk to you about something because I’m worried about how it might be affecting others.”
- “I’m not here to judge you, but I’ve seen [specific behaviour] and I think it’s causing harm.”
Avoid labels like “abuser” they can lead to shutdown. Instead, describe actions and their impact.
Focus on the behaviour, not the person
Use “I” statements:
- “I noticed you called your partner names in front of the children, it seemed to upset everyone.”
- “When you speak to ‘colleague’ like that, it makes the team feel on edge.”
Avoid blame or generalisations like:
- “You’re always controlling.”
- “You’re just like your dad.”
- “Everyone thinks you’re toxic.”
Keep the conversation centred on specific behaviour and how it affects others.
Be ready for a range of reactions
The person may:
- Deny or minimise the behaviour (“It’s not that bad.”)
- Blame others (“She drives me to it.”)
- Justify it (“I was stressed.”)
- React with anger or shut down
Stay calm. You don’t need to prove your point, you just need to make it clear that the behaviour isn’t acceptable and that help and support is available.
You can say:
- “Even if that wasn’t your intention, the impact was real.”
- “It’s not about blame, it’s about how this is affecting others.”
Offer a path forward
If the person seems open:
- Encourage self-reflection: “Have you thought about how this might be affecting your relationship?”
- Suggest support: “There are organisations that help people understand and change their behaviour, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help.”
They may not change right away, but a single conversation can start a longer process.
What if the person doesn’t want to change?
You can’t force someone to take accountability, but you can:
- Set boundaries: “I’m not comfortable being around that behaviour.”
- Protect others: Support anyone on the receiving end, without putting them in further danger
- Seek advice: Call a domestic abuse helpline and seek advice.
It’s not your job to fix someone, but it is okay to speak up if something feels wrong.
It takes courage to challenge harmful behaviour in someone you care about. But silence allows abuse to continue. By approaching with compassion, honesty and a focus on change, you create space for reflection and maybe even transformation.
You deserve support. You are not alone. Call us today.