How to Support Someone Who Is in a Domestic Abuse Relationship
Finding out or suspecting that someone you care about is in a domestic abuse relationship can be incredibly upsetting. It’s natural to want to help, but knowing what to do, what to say, and how to be a good friend in this situation can be difficult.
Spotting the Signs of a Domestic Abusive Relationship
Sometimes, the signs that someone is experiencing abuse aren’t obvious. People often hide what’s happening out of fear, shame, or confusion. However, there are some common red flags to look out for:
- They seem anxious, withdrawn, or frightened around their partner
- Their partner constantly criticises, controls, or isolates them
- You notice unexplained bruises or injuries
- They cancel plans at the last minute or stop seeing friends and family
- They’re suddenly secretive, defensive, or unusually quiet
If your gut is telling you something’s wrong, it’s important to listen to that instinct, even if they haven’t said anything directly.
How to Be Friends with Someone in a Domestic Abusive Relationship
You might be wondering, “How can I stay close to someone in a domestic abusive relationship without pushing them away?” It can be a delicate balance, but your support can be a lifeline.
Here are some helpful things you can do:
- Believe Them Without Judgement
If they open up to you, believe them.
Don’t question why they stayed, what they did, or how they “allowed” it to happen. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Say things like:
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “I believe you.”
- “You don’t deserve this.”
- Stay Connected
Abuse often isolates people. Keep reaching out, even if they’re not always responsive. Let them know you’re there, without pressure.
- Check in with texts or messages
- Invite them to do small things, even if they often say no
- Don’t give up on them
- Avoid Criticising Their Partner Directly
It might feel natural to call the abuser out, but this can backfire. They may feel defensive or retreat further.
Focus instead on their feelings:
- “How do you feel when that happens?”
- “Does that make you feel safe or supported?”
This helps them reflect, without feeling judged.
What Can I Do to Help Someone in an Abusive Relationship?
If you’re asking, “What can I do?”, know that your role as a friend or family member is incredibly important. You might not be able to “fix” it, but you can be part of their support system.
- Provide Information
Gently share resources when it feels safe:
- “You’re not alone. There are people who can help.”
- “Would it be okay if I sent you a link to a support service?”
- Help Them Create a Safety Plan
Without pressuring them to leave, you can help them think through practical steps:
- Where could they go in an emergency?
- Do they have access to important documents or money?
- Can they create a code word to use in messages or calls?
- Encourage Professional Help
Let them know they don’t have to go through this alone and support is available for them and for you. Professional help can ensure that you have the right advice on how you can provide support.
What Not to Do
- Don’t pressure them to leave before they’re ready. Leaving can be dangerous and overwhelming without a plan.
- Don’t confront the abuser. This can put both you and the victim at greater risk.
- Don’t make it about you. It’s okay to feel upset or helpless, but try to process your emotions away from them.
Supporting someone who is in a domestic abuse relationship is never easy, but your consistent presence can make a huge difference. Even if they’re not ready to leave, knowing that someone cares, listens, and believes them can help them feel less alone.
Being a good friend or family member means offering compassion, not control.
So if you’re asking, “How to be friends with someone in a domestic abusive relationship?”, the answer is: be patient, be present, and never stop believing in their strength,even when they can’t see it themselves.