Rebuilding Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

After experiencing sexual violence, it’s completely normal to feel uneasy or even afraid about physical closeness or intimacy. Your body and boundaries have been violated, and healing those wounds takes time, patience, and gentleness.

Whether you’re in a relationship or navigating intimacy for the first time since the trauma, it’s important to know, you are not broken, and you are not alone. Intimacy can be rebuilt but only on your terms.

Use Kind Words With Yourself

After trauma, it’s easy to fall into harsh inner criticism. Try to speak to yourself gently:

“What happened was not my fault.”
“I am worthy of care, comfort and respect.”
“I am healing in my own time.”

These simple phrases can remind you that you are not to blame and that your reactions are valid.

You Get to Go at Your Own Speed

There is no timeline for feeling “ready.” You might want closeness one day and feel overwhelmed the next. That’s okay. Healing is not a straight line.

• Take things slowly—there’s no need to rush.
• It’s okay to say not yet, not today, or not this way.

Rewrite the Narrative with Positive Self-Talk

Survivors often feel shame or self-blame after assault. But it’s important to separate what happened to you from who you are.

• What happened was not sex. It was an assault.
• You are not dirty or damaged. You are a survivor.
• Sexual arousal during an assault is a natural, involuntary response. It does not mean you consented or enjoyed it.

Your body did what it needed to do to survive. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Start with Safety

For any kind of intimacy, sexual or otherwise to feel okay again, you need to feel safe first. Ask yourself:

• Do I trust this person?
• Do I feel safe in this space?
• Am I in control of what happens?

If the answer to any of these is no, it’s okay to pause and take a step back.

Communicate Openly with Your Partner

Talking about your feelings can help ease tension and reduce misunderstandings. You don’t have to explain everything. You could say:

“I want to feel close, but sex feels difficult right now.”
“I need to go slowly. I’ll let you know what feels okay and what doesn’t.”
“It’s not about you, it’s something I need time with.”

A caring partner will respect your boundaries and go at your pace.

Explore Non-Sexual Forms of Intimacy

There are many ways to feel close without engaging in sex.

Some examples:

• Holding hands or cuddling on the sofa
• Sharing a bath or massage
• Laughing together during a favourite film
• Cooking a meal or going for a walk

These moments can rebuild trust, connection, and closeness without pressure.

Make Your Space Feel Safe Again

If your bedroom is a source of anxiety, you’re not alone.

Consider:

• Changing the layout or adding calming touches like fairy lights or scented candles
• Removing any objects or items that feel like reminders
• Using grounding tools like a favourite blanket, soft music, or a new duvet set

This is your space now. You deserve to feel safe in it.

Support Is Always Available

You don’t have to figure this out on your own. Many survivors find strength in:

• Counselling or therapy with trauma-informed professionals
• Support groups, both in-person and online, where others share similar experiences
• Reading, journaling, or creative expression to process feelings at your own pace