Recognising Abusive Behaviours in Loved Ones and Colleagues
When we think of abuse, we often picture someone being harmed but what if the person causing harm is someone we know, work with, or care about? It can be deeply unsettling to suspect a friend, family member, or colleague may be displaying abusive behaviours. Yet recognising those signs early is essential, especially when the harm is subtle, persistent, or hidden behind charm or stress.
This guide explores the common warning signs of abusive behaviour and how to tell the difference between abuse and other personal or emotional issues.
What does abusive behaviour look like?
Abuse isn’t limited to physical violence. It can be emotional, verbal, financial, psychological, or sexual, and it’s often about control, dominance, and manipulation.
Common examples of abusive behaviour include:
- Frequent belittling or insults, even disguised as “jokes”
- Controlling behaviour, such as monitoring someone’s movements or finances
- Unpredictable anger or outbursts that make others feel on edge
- Blaming others for their actions or refusing to take responsibility
- Jealousy and possessiveness, especially in romantic or family relationships
- Isolating someone from friends, family, or work
- Using threats or intimidation to get their way
- Repeated dishonesty or gaslighting (making someone question their memory or reality)
These behaviours can be gradual, and they’re often dismissed or explained away, but taken together, they can be deeply harmful.
How is abuse different from stress or conflict?
Everyone can have bad days. Stress, mental health struggles, or personal challenges can cause people to act out of character but abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not a one-off.
Ask yourself:
- Is there a consistent pattern of control, fear, or manipulation?
- Do their actions make someone feel powerless, frightened or isolated?
- Are they blaming others for their behaviour rather than taking accountability?
- Do people change their behaviour around them to avoid conflict?
If the answer is yes, it may go beyond stress, and into abusive behaviours.
Can someone be abusive and not realise it?
Yes. Some individuals may not see their behaviour as abusive, especially if they’ve grown up around controlling dynamics or believe their actions are “normal” in relationships.
However, lack of awareness doesn’t remove responsibility. Abuse is defined by its impact, not just intent. Help and Support is available for anyone wanting to change abusive behaviours
What are the signs someone you know may be abusive?
You might notice someone:
- Dismisses or mocks their partner or children regularly
- Controls decisions in the household or relationship without discussion
- Uses threats, guilt or manipulation to get their way
- Displays possessiveness or jealousy, especially on social media
- Refuses to let their partner see friends or family
- Monitors a partner’s phone, spending, or location
- Minimises their actions, saying things like “It’s not that bad” or “They’re too sensitive”
What should I do if I suspect someone is being abusive?
- Avoid direct confrontation unless it’s safe. Instead, observe, reflect, and consider raising concerns gently if you have a close relationship.
- Encourage open conversations about healthy boundaries and respect.
- Share resources for support about behaviour change and healthy relationships.
- If their behaviour is affecting someone else, support the person on the receiving end without placing them in danger.
- You can call a domestic abuse helpline for confidential advice on how to proceed.
Recognising abusive behaviours in someone you care about can be uncomfortable, but silence protects abuse, while awareness helps stop it. There are programmes available if they are showing abusive behaviours and they want support to change these behaviours.
You deserve support. You are not alone. Call us today.